Sitting in the cold bathroom staring at the one piece of wallpaper starting to peel off the wall. Dazed with a blank stare unsure of what is really going on in your head.
Is there even anything going on in my head or am I just staring?
As the howl of the wind hitting the bathroom window, snaps you out of the unthoughtful stare.
Turning toward the door and hear kids yelling, dogs barking, the television is loud, and the microwave won’t stop beeping.
Doubting the ability to continue with the day.
Why can’t I move? Why don’t I just push through like everyone else does? Why is the mental load so hard on me?
Tears flow down your cheek as you realize there is no one to turn to… no friends that care to listen—no family that you want to burden. So, the tears begin to flow harder… the sound coming out of your mouth is one you don’t recognize… the feeling in your stomach is one you only know from loosing a loved one.
Your hands become fists – so tightly squeezed that you can feel your nails dig into your palms.
The thoughts in your head seem to get worse.
I can’t do this. I can’t be these children’s mother. I can’t do all the things that come along with parenting. I am done. I want to run away. But where would I go? Who would I be?
As your youngest child starts knocking on the door, asking if you are in there—you unclench your fists, your shoulders calm, quickly brushing away the tears, and trying to “put yourself back together” as you pray to God for the strength to get you through the day.
Opening the bathroom door and seeing a beautiful smile on a little child’s face as they are extremely excited to see their mother.
The next steps, movements, conversations, moments with the children are now some of the hardest to endure.
What brought me to that point of tears? Does it matter what it was? Is it okay that I felt that? Am I normal?
There are many things running through your head for the rest of the evening. Laying in bed wondering if tomorrow will be the same... Wondering if you are “normal” … Are other mothers like this, or is it just me?
Let’s talk for a second... It is okay to have these moments. It’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s even okay to hide them. It’s okay to show your children your feelings. It’s okay to take a moment to yourself. This is okay.
Don’t forget to check out what I enjoy as a mental boost mid-day which has helped my mental state most days (again, these moments are okay...)
If you need to seek professional help—Text HOME to 741741.