When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up—my answer was always “a mother”. I knew it was what I wanted and I always thought I was going to be a damn good one too.
After having my son, we knew we wanted more children but we were going to wait until our first child was older… Well… who knew that the old tale of --you can’t get pregnant while nursing – is a big ol’ lie!!
We were shocked, but overjoyed to find out that we were pregnant with our second child when our first was only six months old. Unsure of how to be a parent to two children was one thing- but two under two was a challenge I was willing to accept.
The pregnancy was a little rougher because I was still taking care of a baby while dealing with morning sickness at all times of the day and night, and as I progressed, it got more difficult to hold him but it wasn’t too bad. When we welcomed our beautiful little lady into the world in early Fall, we were so excited and so happy! She was healthy and we were (once again) on top of the world!
Yet again, the baby blues or undiagnosed postpartum depression set in very quickly. It was difficult for me. Thank God that I was able to nurse this child but it wasn’t the bond that I had been told it was from other people. In the moment, I was thinking something was wrong with me… why does everyone talk about breastfeeding as this special bond with your child? I had the same bond with my daughter as I did with my son (whom I exclusively pumped for). To me, nursing my baby was only about feeding her… giving her nutrients and feeding her for free.
The mornings were always the hardest for me… I would cry and cry forever in my bed--- just hoping someone else would come and take care of my children for a couple hours so I don’t have to get out of bed. These were emotions I NEVER understood… why was I feeling like this? I am blessed and happy to have these beautiful children. Why can’t I get my butt out of bed? Why is this so difficult?
You guys… there were even weeks that I would go without showering or doing anything to myself… yes, that is gross but I wasn’t myself… my hormones and emotions weren’t what I wanted them to be. I felt like I had no control over my life and someone else was controlling me.
Don’t get me wrong though, I did enjoy my babies… the cuddles… the small things… but deep down there were those rough times, those moments I knew were coming, those tears that have been shed multiple times.
Who knew being a mother was so hard!
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