There are moments in life that need lots of explanation and understanding but when you are a child, you don’t always understand the explanation. So, as a parent you do the best you can to comfort them and reassure them that you are there.
Our cancer journey started out with surgery on our fifteen-month-old baby girl. I, myself, will never understand why something like this happens to children (or anyone) … but can you imagine being that little girl, sitting on the bed with absolutely no understanding.
From the eyes of my child
“Mom and dad brought me to this place that I have never seen before. It looks like a fun place to explore but I am also nervous and unsure with all the strange people around.
All of a sudden, out of no where people started sticking things up my nose, poking my hand, and holding me down. I had no control over this … and I kept looking at my parents wondering why this was happening. Every time they touched me, it hurt. There was so much poking in my arms… it hurt… I didn’t like it… and I wanted to leave this place that no longer looked like fun.
I could finally rest in my mom’s arms again while sucking my favorite thumb but every time someone came into the room, they needed to touch me. They would stick things under my arms, something on my chest, and even put this thing on my leg that got really tight. Of course, I screamed… to tell them to leave me alone!
You guys, then there was this moment where my arm got cold and everything went calm. I didn’t understand what was happening… I felt so helpless and out of control. They took me away from my mom and dad but I couldn’t yell, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t even cry or move. I was so scared.
The room they brought me to had lots of people wearing these weird costumes and the smell hurt my nose. The lights were so bright that I decided to just close my eyes.
Time passed that I can’t remember what happened or what was going on. I think I slept and dreamt of horses and rainbows... who knows.
I woke up with strange people around me. They kept putting this scary looking unicorn in my face and talking to me in these weird voices. They finally wheeled me into a room where my mommy and daddy were. I was so happy when my mommy grabbed me, even though I still couldn’t move much, my soul was smiling on the inside. She kept telling me “mommy is here.
These ladies kept coming in my room waking me up and making me uncomfortable… I was getting angry because I just wanted to sleep.
After awhile of resting, I decided to wake up and drink many bottles. There were still these strange people coming in to touch me, hold my arm, and sometimes poke me again. I really started to hate those people and to hate this place. I hated it so much that I would scream and try to get out of bed… sometimes I would try to pull these nasty tubes off my body and away from me… but no matter what I did, my mommy and daddy always stopped me from doing this. I was even more confused.
Why aren’t my mommy and daddy helping me get out of here? Why do they want these tubes on me? And why can’t I move away from this bed? Why is everything so different?
After a couple sleeps with these cords, resting, and only getting out of bed a couple times… they had this REALLY silly looking lady come into the room. She took something off of my back that didn’t feel very nice. There was so much pulling and stickiness… I guess I didn’t even realize there was something back there.
But you know what… as soon as that silly looking lady left, I could get out of bed… I could walk around the room… even though my mom said I still had to take our friend Ivy with us wherever we went. Ivy wasn’t as bad as those other friends though.
My dad opened the room door … and I had NO IDEA there was another part of this place. We walked back and forth in this cool hallway where everyone seemed to know my name… we even saw Mickey Mouse! This was so cool and much better than that room they kept me in for a lot of sleeps.
After walking in this cool hallway, this lady came in and my mom held me close while she took Ivy out and she wheeled her away. I was little sad but then I heard my dad say “Let’s go bye bye”. My first thought was… what is bye bye? Are we going home? Do I get to see my brother and sisters? What does this really mean?
My mommy and daddy got my jammies on... and boy, did they feel warm and cozy. They swooped me up and brought me out to the van and in my car seat. In that moment, I knew we were no longer in the scary place. I was no longer going to have to wonder what was going to happen to me next… why something is happening… or be taken away from my mommy and daddy again.
…. Until next time!”