The moment I found out I was pregnant; I was so excited and happy. My husband and I had been married for a little over a year and we were on top of the world… nothing was stopping us!
My first pregnancy was easy as I only had myself and a dog to take care of (even though I had morning sickness the first 12 weeks... you all know, that is no fun) In July, after a longer labor, we became parents. There was so much unknown yet so much joy. We were prepared, yet we were unsure how to care for a baby…
We were awake A LOT at night with my first child. It was difficult but it was easier with my husband being home from work. My son ended up taking a turn for the worse and wasn’t eating so we had to bring him back to the hospital around 5 days old. During this time, he was being fed formula (which I had in my mind was NEVER going to happen), he was getting pricked by a needle to check his blood sugar, and I was an emotional wreck.
All I kept thinking was… how did I fail… I am a horrible mom for letting them put formula in his mouth. What did I do wrong? These thoughts overwhelmed me for the first couple months of his life. This experience made me turn from nursing my son to exclusively pumping for my son. I thought this was the only way… he needed my milk… it was healthiest… plus, I failed him in that first week so I had to make up for it.
Exclusively pumping is so difficult. I was pumping every two hours for 20 minutes at a time… including the middle of the night (yes, I would set my alarm). During this sleepless period, my emotions and hormones were all over the place. There were so many moments when I would cry for no reason. I would scream in my pillow when my alarm would go off. I would fall asleep pumping ALL THE TIME.
The worst was when my husband went back to work when my son was two weeks old. I remember hearing him wake up in the morning and I would just start crying while laying in bed. There were many days when my mom would come over and snuggle with my son while I slept, so those moments were much needed… but I still struggled with my emotions.
These emotions were hidden… no one except my husband knew about these. MANY text messages were sent to him that were probably very scary on his end—being at work. Baby blues or postpartum depression—whatever it was… It wasn’t fun, I wasn’t myself, I couldn’t get out of it, and I couldn’t figure out how.
Being a first-time mother is hard—but trying to hide my emotions and figure them out, was even harder!
Read more of my story HERE!
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